Bangkok 1998

Audio Transcription
Friday, December 4th - Friday, December 11th

To see the pictures go here: Bangkok Vacation Pictures.


The following is the complete transcription of about 55 minutes of audio tape recorded on vacation in Bangkok between December 4th, 1998 and December 11th, 1998.

Last Updated: 22 June 2002

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Our Story

The Beginning

The End


Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport , Gate 4 (December 4th) (Go To Top)

Kris: {noise and people in background} So, Beth, here you are in the airport on the way to Bangkok. What are you thinking?

Beth: Did Kris put enough lead on before we started this?

Kris: I guess I wound it past the leader before I even put in in there, cuz, that would be like me.

Beth: {laughs} Deh-hey, um... Doway me gato, Mr. Roboto.

Beth and Kris: {laughs}

Kris: We also regret forgetting to have Kent speak into the recorder as our official ride to the airport for this Tour of Bangkok 1998.

NWA Flight 19 Minneapolis to Tokyo, Seats 38D and 38E (December 4th) (Go To Top)

Beth: It's hot. We have eighteen sets of earphones, six blankets, {tape noise}

Kris: {Loudspeaker announcement in background} Electronic devices are now allowed. How can we pass up an opportunity like that?

Kris: Oh. Thanks, Beth!

Beth: We've done our first successful backwards linking of a conversation to get to what the original point was. {tape noise}

Kris: Hello. I'm back. Don't look now, but Beth just dumped an entire {tape noise}

Kris: Okay. We have to...oops. We have try again. Beth just dumped an entire glass of water on my lap and we only have three hours left until we get to...where? Tokyo! Lucky me! I'm drying out fast, though, in the desiccated cabin air. Here's Beth.

Beth: She's not wearing jeans. We'll be okay. But we can't turn off the recorder cuz then we'll get that {imitates tapes noise} and we'll wonder what every story was about. {laughs}

Kris: I think when we get home we are going to retire the voice activated tape recorder because it seems to have a few bugs they need to work out yet.

Bangkok Airport (December 6th) (Go To Top)

Kris: Well! We arrived in Thailand. We were off on the time schedule...the time difference by an hour. They're actually an additional hour ahead but not an extra day {laughs} so whatever that means we are off by you-go-figure. It's, ah, one in the morning here, which is noon home time so we don't feel too bad. Other than the fact I can't wait to get to a hotel room and use a normal bathroom. But, shhhhhh, don't tell anyone that. And Beth is changing currency so we're waitin' for Beth to change currency and then we're off to find our ride to the airport. So, check with ya later.

Kris: Okay! I listened to that last statement. Incorrect. We're not waiting for our ride to the airport, ah, we can't wait to get out of the airport. We're trying to find our connection to the HOTEL.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 (December 6th) (Go To Top)

Kris: We have more stuff today to tell you than I can even begin to think of. And the number one thing on our list of things to tell you is that, well, once we finally found our Tourismo tour, which is a story I'm sure we'll go into later {Beth and Kris laugh}, there were four of us. The couple from Boston, India and Beth and me. That's four, and the sad story about that man is that he's a fifty to...fifty year old tourist guy and he's asking all the questions that Beth and I need to know about touring Bangkok. So...

Beth: So we look like the laid-back mellow ones, but we're not. Inside we really are uptight and want to ask "Really? Is it free? It's only five hundred? It's not gonna change, right? It's...

Kris: Do they make us take our clothes off? Where do we keep our valuables when they give us our two hour Thai massage?

Beth: Which brings up another weird thing. We went and actually did the massage. Today was just like any other Beth and Kris day, except we did everything we wouldn't normally do on any other Beth and Kris day.

Kris: I bought a nine hundred dollar saphire ring. One of my goals coming to Thailand, one of my dreams - so basically a fantasy - something I totally expected NOT to happen, was to buy a saphire or ruby because they're found here. A real piece of jewelry, worth real money. And...and...I did it! {gasp}

Beth: Which...which brings us up to a new record which is Kris spent five times more the previous highest expensive thing which is my little crystal thing in Salzburg, Austria.

Kris: {laughing} Oh, my god!

Beth: Kris multiplied by five the going premium of vacation goodies. {Beth and Kris laugh} So, you know, things were weird today. And then, you know, in the spirit of being conservative, we drank beer at Ribfest or whatever Singha beer festival and we took a tuk tuk home which required Beth and Kris to remove their heads to be under...able to see underneath the little covering. Not exactly designed for five foot nine to five foot ten inch tall females.

Kris: Kris was kinda lookin' at the ring thinkin' "Do I get it?" I kinda decided what my outside top...

Beth: No sales pressure!

Kris: Yeah!

Beth: No sales pressure at all!

Kris: What was my top...

Beth: I was gettin' a restraining order against the chick following me around in there!

Kris: What was my top price range and I thought, well, you know, basically what I ended up paying after all. In order to get something real and actually worth something. Somethin'...well anyway...But I was still kinda nervous about actually doing that and Beth walks over and says "Pay off your house. Buy yourself a ring. Why not?"

Beth and Kris: {laughs}

Kris: And I'm, like, "Oh, yeah! There was a reason I did that, wasn't there?"

Beth and Kris: {laughs}

Kris: So, there're all kinds of stories today. Ummmm...We saw the Marble Budha, the Reclining Budha. What was the, the giant golden...

Beth: Three hundred and ninety three sitting Budhas. What did they call them? The three hundred ninety three standing...

Kris: Ninety five. Three hundred...Wasn't it three hundred ninety five?

Beth: What are they?

Kris: Sitting Budhas. Oh--Budhas going around some place.

Beth: I'm kinda Budha'd out. We've decided we've had enough Budhas. But it wouldn't...it's not awful to see more Budhas it's just that we're not going to go out of our way to see more Budhas sitting in more temples.

Kris: We saw the five and a half ton Golden Budha that cracked out of pile o' concrete Budha one day when they dropped it by accident.

Beth: Ooo! We saw a funeral. It was really kind of weird.

Kris: Creepy.

Beth: Yeah. Like, tourists coming through the middle of your...funeral. No big deal. Everbody seemed comfortable with it. I almost took a picture of the chanting monks and then she started talking about how they were chanting because they were at a FUNERAL! And I was like I slowly withdrew my camera like I was about to fire an innocent victim and was not going to shoot him after all. {nervously} ha ha ha.

Kris: As Beth said, as we walked by the funeral "So...what do you say? We start snappin' away?"

Beth and Kris: {laughs}

Kris: Ummmm...Ah, so, I can't remember the name of the Golden Budha. Or was it the Golden Budha? I'm kinda bummed about that.

Beth: Reclining Budha was cool.

Kris: {excited} Reclining Budha was awesome! He's got ten toes that are exactly the same size. And everybody knows that toes are different sizes so the fact that the Reclining Budha has ten toes the same size, which is different and never seen, indicates that the Budha is a very special person.

Beth: {laughs}

Kris: He also has ten rings...

Beth: {garbled in background}

Kris: ...of mother of pearl circles on each toe which indicate the tens times that you have to be reincarnated, er, or that the average person is reincarnated...

Beth: {in background} So give your money away! {garbled}

Kris: Oh, wait! Let's see! No! No! The average person comes back seven times and he comes back ten so he's special. Wasn't it something like that? Anyway! He's got three ladies towards the tip of his toes. Three rows of ladies and those are goddesses and it's heaven. And then what were the next layers? Here's Beth!

Beth: Um, I wasn't paying attention because I was thinking the whole time about how I wanted to get a picture of myself with the Reclining Budha and I didn't think I could take it myself. Like every other damn picture I've taken. And, ah, um, um, oh! There was also the deal in that same Reclining Budha where you could put in 10 baht or something and you'd get all these little ch...the cheapest denomination of coins in Thailand and you'd walk through - how many pots was it?

Kris: A hundred and eight because a hundred and eight is a lucky Buddhist number. I - they won't be able to hear this it's one of those damn things from the background again.

Kris: Hey! In...in case that was a background sound, I'm going to repeat that they have a hundred and eight begging bowls - monk's begging bowls - lined up in behind the Reclining Budha because a hundred and eight is a lucky Buddhist number and you drop one coin in each beggar bowl. Ah, here's Beth again. She has to hold it. She can't just floss. No! No!

Beth: Uh, fine. Uhhhnnnn, flossing in the bedroom. So, you know, we've been here almost twen...no we haven't even been here twenty four hours. We've been here about eighteen hours and I just want to say we really haven't done shit. {laughs}

Kris: {in background} I just did!

Beth: Oh! Kris finally shit. She - Kris has this habit of holding her poop for about a week after we go on vacation.

Kris: {in background} No no no! No! I've gotten over that.

Kris: I've gotten over that! It's only recently and the biggest problem was it's impossible to take a decent crap on the plane.

Beth: {in background} {garbled} I didn't either.

Kris: And once I screw up my cycle by sittin' on the plane for - honest to god we were en route for twenty four hours - it was unbelievable. And twenty four hours kinda just threw me off track a little but everything's okay now. Here's Beth.

Beth: Which brings us to the weirdest thing of the day. We had breakfast at...we didn't get dinner...we didn't eat dinner on the flight from Tokyo to Bangkok at all. So that means an eight hour flight, we get in at two in the morning, we go - no food in that eight hour flight - get in at two in the morning, go to bed, and kinda lay here sorta half awake half asleep in that zombie state the day after the flight, land, get up at six-something in the morning, run down eat the breakfast, and then we spent all day doing all this shit. Thai massage, go on the tour, play the marketplace, ride the tuk tuk back. And, you know what? I didn't eat dinner! I haven't eaten since six o'clock this morning, and you know what? I'm Full! I'm really really full! So, today, the universe and the stars have all been thrown off and I can't explain why. Anything else to say, Kris?

Kris: I'm wearing my saphire ring which is quite...strange.

Beth: {in background} It's beautiful.

Kris: Yeah, it's beautiful which means I'll never be able to wear it. What do you say? Ah, I'll find out when I get back. I'll talk to my sister and find out if I got totally screwed or not. Hopefully I just...at very worst I paid, like, an okay price for it, but I thought it would be very exotic to buy a jewel in Thailand. Ah, the river...flows right outside of our building. Did we, our, um, hotel room. We face the river.

Beth: {in background} Skenic!

Kris: It's...it's...it's "skenic". Yeah. Oooo, um, just checkin' how much tape there was. So that l kinda what those last few weird sounds were. And we have to keep chatting cuz we're afraid that this voice recognition system is gonna shut us down, which really bites. So let's see...we got up and we weren't sure where the tour was so we went downstairs for the all-you-can-eat, um, paid-with-the-room Full-American-Breakfast and I had noodles and mango and pineapple and pineapple juice...

Beth: {in background} I spit out papaya very subtly.

Beth: Did you notice? I spit out papaya.

Kris: I didn't notice that you spit it out, so it was quite subtle. You do have a habit of spitting out food. I've seen you do it so I know what you're talking about and I can picture it.

Beth: Okay, so I was going to be experimental and I tried all the fruit. I took every piece of fruit, including stuff I didn't recognize and there was this red stuff and we all kind of identified it as mango and I kinda went along with Kris' identification of it as mango and I cut off this big chunk and the guy from Mexis was...Mex...Memphis was sitting next to us and he said he thought it was mango, er, he didn't say what it was yet.

Kris: {in background} Papaya.

Beth: He didn't say what it was yet. I took a biiiig chunk of it. It was, like, "Oh! It's mango!", and I cut off a huuuuge chunk and I threw it in my mouth and it was not the taste at all that I was hoping for and there was way too much of it. And I felt really overwhelmed and the gag reflex came right back up and I put my napkin up and spit it out into my napkin and then that's when Mr. Memphis pointed out that it was papaya. But, hey, I've learned something. I'm not gonna put big chunks of food in my mouth that I don't know what they are and do little itty bitty taste...taste on the corner kind of thing. Cuz I could end up with a giant carp head or something in my mouth.

Kris: I just found a present for Doug. I'm so excited! I didn't know what to get him and I didn't know if I was gonna buy him anything here besides bringin' him home coins, but he also collects bottles! I'm going to take this Singha drinking water bottle. I'm just gonna put it in my bag and they'll have to figure out kinda by deduction that it just isn't here. Deduction! Get it? It's just missing. Hoo hooo hoo hoo!

Beth: {in background} {laughs}

Kris: I'm punny and I didn't even know it. So, okay! We get up this morning. We're in the breakfast...we're in the coffee house eating breakfast and we still have no idea whether or not we get a tour, but all indications on paper kinda said it's today, the day after you arrive, which would have been today. So Beth overhears some sixty-plus, seven...seventy year old plus people behind us talking about their tour and how they came through Northwest and blah blah blah blah blah. And Beth said "should I ask 'em if they took the tour and how they found it? When it was? Cuz whenever their's was, ours is probably starting at the same time." And so I thought, "Well, hell! If she's willing to! I'm chicken." But Beth went over and she asked 'em and they said "Well, it was eleven o'clock." And so we went to the lobby at quarter to eleven and I'll be damned if the tour wasn't there. And if the Indian guy wasn't there with his...the Bostonian...wasn't there with his wife. Yea, Beth! Yea, Beth! Yeaaaaaaa, Bostonian man! He asked all the questions we needed to know about the tour. And guess what time we have to be ready to get our ride back to the airport in order to catch the six o' five A.M. flight going home? Beth! What time DO we have to be down in the lobby on Friday?

Beth: Last Friday! {laughs} Last Friday at two a.m. {laughs}

Kris: That's when we have to get up. And we don't get our breakfast that day.

Beth: After flying on the plane for twenty four hours yesterday we...I looked over at Kris right towards the end and said,"Doesn't it feel like the whole vacation's just gonna be getting off one flight and getting on another one? Seven days of just flying around in the air?" Today doesn't feel like that, though. And tomorrow I imagine we'll be more awake for the {in weird voice} Bridge on the River Kwai tour. I'll let you know more tomorrow.

Beth: {in background} Okay. Let's save tape.

Kris: I think that's about it. Bridge on the River Kwai. Woo-hoo!

Later that night, Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 (December 6th) (Go To Top)

Kris: Okay. I noticed that during the Thai massage, I thought that it would probably be wise for them to have a "No heart attack"...let's see...no...I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry...like Valleyfair. They should have the warning "No pregnant ladies. No back problems. And...the one other one which I can't remember...

Beth: {in backgound} {garbled} ...right on the back of these cards.

Kris: Weird! But weren't you totally expecting, Beth, that they were like...they could possibly really fuck up you knee? And then what would you do? Or your back?

Beth: {in background} They probably did!

Beth: We're probably going to have, like, knee braces and artificial hip joints for the rest of our life cuz of our two hour Thai massage. {laughs}

Kris: No matter how weird it felt, it never actually go the point where you were, like, "Hey! Ahhhh! Stop!"

Beth: {in background} "Stop! What are you doing?"

Kris: "Stop! Stop! Don't fuck with my knee! What the hell are you doing??"

Beth: It sure felt like they were!

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: How close did they get?

Beth: They got really close. They would put...(is it still spinning?)

Kris: Yeah.

Beth:They would...they would, ah, jaaaam your knee up over your hip and then, before they jumped on your knee with all their tiny little Thai weight, they would turn your foot at an uncomfortable angle. And then you'd be, like, "whoooa, oh, oh, okay, that wasn't so bad. Whoa, oh! That one seems danger...oh, whoa!" And then one time she, like, had me down and she grabbed my foot and she pulled it and I had just gotten used to being kind bored cuz she was working on this foot for, like, sixteen hours and then she, like, pulled it and it shot all the way through my body and adjusted my spinal column and she looked at me and I went, "Wooooooooow".

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: Just weird. I thought there should be a warning, but then nothing happened. So I guess that's why there isn't a warning. No that they're big on warnings around here, but you get the idea.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 (December 7th, Morning) (Go To Top)

Kris: ...operate in the dark. Oh! I DO know the tape recorder well enough to kinda operate it in the dark! Here's Beth!

Beth: It's, ah, what time is it, Kris?

Kris: {in background} About twenty to {garbled}

Beth: Keeping talking so you don't turn off. Yeah, it's still moving.

Kris: {in background} It's five thirty.

Beth: It's five thirty, but Kris and I have been awake for what? An hour and fifteen minutes?

Kris: {in background} Chatting. Chatting. We woke up at four thirty.

Beth: La la la! Wiiiiide awake! Went to bed at nine. {singing} "One night in Bangkok" What? That's a stupid song cuz we...we're probably never gonna be out at night. We will go to bed at eight, maybe nine if we're feeling really racy. Like last night.

Kris: Six o'clock it's dark. Hurry up! Finish eating! Let's go! Let's go! We've gotta be back at the hotel!

Beth: Pumpkin! Pumpkin! We're gonna turn in to pumpkins!

Kris: Are you...At six o'clock I was gettin' really tired. I'm, like, you know, it wouldn't be so bad to just go back and go to bed. And I was kinda actually really surprised that we made it until nine. I thought for sure "Oh! We're gonna be in bed by eight, aren't we?"

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: Didn't you think that?

Beth: Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was amazed at how late we stayed out last night. That's about as late as it's gonna get.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: We could see that guy downstairs in the breakfast thing this morning and...and we could be kinda proud and kinda bragging and say, "Yeah, we stayed out 'til...'til NINE." Like we're really impressed with it and see what he does.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Restaurant on the River Kwai (Go To Top)

{background noise - quiet clucking, if you listen quietly}

Kris: The BIRD on the River Kwai.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 (December 7th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth. So. Chung da ni-ta watta wa. Ah, that's either three people who finished one-two-three or one guy who finished first in the two hundred meter...I don't know if it's the final or the beginning. What do you think it is, Kris?

Kris: {in background} I don't know.

Beth: Ah, of the two hundred meter swimming at the Asian games.

Kris: {in background} It's the two hundred meter free.

Beth: Yeah. Right. So, Kris and I are hangin' out in the hotel room. Drinking beer that we weren't afraid to buy on the street at the store a few blocks away from the hotel. {laughs} Along with our water. Eh, we went to the Bridge in the River "Kway" today and...

Kris: {in background} Kway? Kwai? It was Kwai-ee?

Beth: Kway. Kwai? Kwai? It's not "kwai", though.

Kris: Kwai. Kwai.

Beth: Kwai-ee. Ah, and um, we didn't ride the train. Well, we did for a minute and a half.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: Um, which resulted in a lot of humor and everybody getting off and getting back on the bus. {laughs} Ah...ah...we went with people named Royal and Maureen. Right? Who were originally from England but, ah, now live in Cincinnati, I believe. Um, I don't remember the names of the women from Kansas, do you? I don't remember their names.

Kris: {in background} Ellen.

Beth: Ellen. And...

Kris: {in background} Dark haired mustache woman.

Beth: Dark haired...She had a serious musatche. I'm, like, "Ohhhhh. You're trying really hard to be feminine and, boy, you've got a mustache."

Kris: {in background} That's so sad. Ohhhhhhh.

Beth: What the hell? You clearly...you should have just taken it off because you and I don't do anything.

Kris: She shaved it and she put foundation over it to cover it, but you could still see it. And I thought "You know, you'd almost be better off you just...had the mustache." But, I dunno, sorry. I'm just glad I'm not in that position cuz I don't know what I'd do.

Beth: Right. Um, so now we're sittin' in our hotel room drinkin'. We saw a bird escape from the River Kwai-ee...Um. Hey! That's kind of ironic. We saw an escape at the River Kwai prison camp.

Kris: It was...it was...What was Royal's wife...what was Royal's wife's name?

Beth: {in background} Maureen. Maureen.

Kris: Maureen. Oh! Okay. Okay. So it was Maureen and Royal. Ellen and her friend, the nurse.

Beth: {in background} Oh, and Carl.

Kris: And Carl. And Carl and Royal going at it.

Beth: {in background} Yeah.

Kris: Two old guys. And Royal...okay...for example, Royal had himself a beer at the last stop when we decided not to take the train on the way back. And he said, "Carl, have a beer!" And Carl said, "Oh, no. I...During the day? I don't have beer during the day." And Royal said...

Beth: {in background with TV sounds} It's kicking volleyball!

Kris: Oh, my god! Cool!

Beth: All right! It's the kicking game!

Kris: Oh, cool!

Beth: We're seeing weird games!

Kris: Royal said..."Don't you drink..." We'll tell you this story later. We gotta go watch the volleyball kicking game.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 (December 7th, Later that Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: Here's some, um, inspired thoughts after a Singha and a little bit of this kick volleyball. Kris?

Kris: {laughs} All right. So we were noticing that one of the guys has gigantic feet and, ah...Oh! Then we started talking about Hmongs for...why? Why were we asking about Hmongs?

Beth: {in background} Cuz "where do the Hmong people live and I said..."

Kris: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Beth: {in backroung} ...live everywhere in Southeast Asia...

Kris: Beth said that she has seen people outside Powerhorn all the time playing the kick volleyball game and I said, "Who? Were they Asian guys?" And she said, "Yeah. It was it the Laotians and the Hmongs." And I said, "I know where the Laotians come from, but where are the Hmong from?" And Beth said...

Beth: They're from all over Southeast Asia, actually, Kris. They're actually {laughs} hill people that, ah, are quite frequent in all these areas. As a matter of fact, the, ah, King of Thailand is trying to get them to chill out here with some kind of economic prosperity {"bah" noise} plan so they don't slash and burn the rest of the woods. So, that's...that's...that was my answer and then...

Kris: Okay. So, if it's the Hmongs and the Laotians who are playing volleyball there, I was telling Beth that I saw some Hmong women, I believe, at K-Mart and their entire hand, fingers and all, was the same size as my palm. Not including any fingers, which I thought was really interesting that they were so very tiny. Well, Beth had mentioned earlier in the vacation that the Japanese have grown, in average height, four inches over the last generation as a result of better nutrition and diet. So, I was kinda wondering well, if the Japanese can grow that much bigger, and if I'm that much bigger than a Hmong woman, what would happen if we fed the fuck out of elephants?

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: And then I said, "Dinosaurs."

Kris: That was a really long story. So, tell us later whether or not it's still funny.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 (December 7th, Still Later that Evening) (Go To Top)

Kris: {in background} {garbled}

Beth: When staying at the Royal River Hotel, it's very important that, if you're in your hotel room and you happen to partake of the mini bar, you need to "Pamper yourself while watching TV".

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 (December 7th, Later Still that Evening) (Go To Top)

Kris: We're rolling. Here we go! Ready? Go, Beth!

{loud farting noise}

Kris: That would be the "Bangkok Farting Chair".

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 (December 7th, Even Later Still that Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: So, Eddie, the, um, tour guide for today...who's not named Eddie just like the woman who tour guided us yesterday who's name was "Rosalyn" who we know was not named "Rosalyn" cuz THEY'RE BOTH THAI. They make up names for people, conveniently. Told us that the King paid for, out of his own personal money, a, a, big chunck of freeway...

Kris: {in background} Fivethousand million baht.

Beth: ...which he called "the tollway". Five thousand million baht. He paid for it out of his own money . And...it's free. It's not really a tollway. Even though he kept telling us it was a tollway. We asked him how much it cost. He said "five thousand million baht." "No, no. How much does it cost to drive on it?" And he said, "No. It's free. The King gave it to us." And I thought, "Where did the King get the money? He took it from you guys! He didn't give it to you!" That's just really weird!

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: I...concur.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 (December 8th, Morning) (Go To Top)

Kris: I have a question. What are the positions of the Budha? Is it a finite number? And what are those positions? Meditation. Meditating. Reclining. Holding the River. Something the River? What? How many are there? What do they look like?

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Later that Morning (December 8th) (Go To Top)

Beth: We saw a Budha yesterday that looked like Commander Data.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok,Going for Beer (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: The rule for walkin' down the street is that I have to carry the giant metal key and I owe Kris four...five...five-sixths of a Singha beer.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: {in background} {garbled}

Beth: And, ah, um...

Kris: {in background} ...exactly what it is.

Beth: And, wait! There was another rule, too. Oh! Every night we have to walk down the street and buy stuff. Tonight we're buying water, Singha beer, and delicious potato chips. Hopefully. Anything to add, Kris?

Kris: {in background, with splashing noises} Yeah!

Beth: Okay!

Kris: {in background} Um...

Beth: Kris is washing her face. Okay. Ready? I'm going to keep on talking so you don't turn off.

Kris: Okay. Here is one other thing I appreciate about the Thai Bangkok Hotel. And that is, every day when we come back we have the same face soap that we opened the first day. They don't throw it out and give you a brand new one every day. That really creeps me out so...I'm sorry. It's a little thing, but I'm so happy to have my same old soap.

Beth: There! We'll talk to you later.

Kris: One addendum about the whole soap thing. And that is...they NEED a SOAP DISH if we're going to keep our soap. It goes scootin' all over the counter. It's kinda...irritating.

Beth: The Royal River "November Update", just in time for December apparently, um, the Jolly Roger Pub downstairs, which is always completely devoid of people no matter when we walk by it, says, 'Why go home after work? Stop here and enjoy our happy hours from six to eight p.m. Buy one glass of beer, and get one glass free. On special night for members, nineteenth November, come catch the Bunny Girls on Bunny Night."

Beth: Also in the Jolly Roger Pub in December, "Santa Girls are coming to town on Member's Night. The twenty fourth of December. They are all in Santarini dresses and surely paint the town red."

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Kris: We are going to go walking around the hotel because we need to put two beers on ice. That sounded retarded because that wasn't what I planned to say. But, ah, so, we're looking for an ice machine. We haven't been wandering around the hotel, but now we're slightly buzzed. So, once again, we are...

Beth: {in background} {garbled} ...Oh! The door's open!

Kris: Oh! We are in...

Beth: {in background} You left it open.

Kris: Oh, you're right! I did. I thought we were coming right back out. But we're having a...{spitting noise} I'm you! I just spilled beer all over myself. I'm you.

Beth: Did...did...did you guys hear that I spilled a gallon of water on Kris on the airplane right in her crotch when we still had, like, twelve hours of meaningless flight ahead of us? So anyway...

Kris: {in background} I think that we said that.

Beth: Um, yeah, we did. Uh, you know what? I'm really enjoying Bangkok. This isn't like one of those vacations where we actually look back and go, "Oh, yeah that was fun" at the time we're like "Uhhhhhh, this suuuucks."

Kris: Europe was a miserable trip where we knew we were building memories. The whole time I was there I would say to myself, "This really sucks but I know from previous trips that looking back it will seem really fun. So we're stockpiling experience that we can look back on and say 'Hey! Remember the part that really sucked but worked out okay but we didn't know at the time that it was going to?'" Alright. Oh! Wait! This is what I was gonna say when I turned it on. You are now entering the drunk part of the tape. If we didn't have a drunken episode on the vacation tape, it just wouldn't be the same.

Beth: Which brings us to what we're planning on doing this evening which is....we probably, given our own volition, would just eat the Mongolian Barbeque out on the back patio, which seems really cool and lots of food for, oh, the outrageous hotel, ritzy hotel price of fourteen dollars.

Kris and Beth: {laugh}

Beth: Oh my god! I hate the prices here!

Kris: All you can eat lobster tail, shrimp, chicken on the Mongolian Barbeque. Plus Thai dishes on a hot plate. Um...dessert bar, salad bar. Just...cheap...sucky...shit.

Beth: God! I just hate this place. Anyway...so...the other thing Royal, the great Englishman who lives in Cincinatti, told us today wqs...

Kris: And Cincinatti is the second ugliest cities I have...city I have ever been in. After Gary, Indiana, which is pretty harsh. Oh! East St. Louis was really bad.

Beth: What do you think he does for a living?

Kris: We'll have to ask him. But, remember he made a joke...

Beth: Yeah.

Kris: ...that whatever it was it was valuable enough for them to...

Beth: {garbled}

Kris: ...have him...to have him be a foreign national doing the job instead... wait. Is that the right term? Oops!

Beth: Yeah.

Kris: ...to have him do the job cuz noone in the States could do it. And he laughed when he said it.

Beth: And so it's probly true.

Kris: Well, so I'm curious. It's, like, there's probably a grain of truth to it but what...what is it?

Beth: Alright.

Kris: So!

Beth: So! That brings us up to what Royal told us that he did last night which surprised the hell out of me cuz the guy's, like, my dad's age. Right?

Kris: {in background} Or more.

Beth: Right! Right! And his wife is, like, walking around with a cane. But, you know, she's just like {pained voice} waaaaaalking around with a cane. And Royal's like, "Alright! Tonight were gonna go down to the prhong and see the cabaret and the...the...the...the...prostitute area and we're gonna have a good time." And then he...

Kris: {in background} Patpong.

Beth: Right! And he really did have a good time. And he's like, "You two would love it! Most Americans are really up-tight about this {garbled} 'Is it safe?' 'Of course it's safe! Go have some fun!' You two should go there tonight!"

Kris: He said, "The old people ask me, 'Well, is it safe?'" And he said, "Well, yeah. You're jam-packed in there but it's not like anybody's aggressive." And Beth and I were talking earlier . The last vibe that I get from people in Thailand would be "aggressive".

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: Right! Okay! We're gonna go walk around the hotel now. We'll click you in when...

Beth and Kris: {laughing together} important things happen!

Kris: Yeah!

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Musical Interlude (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: Important's happening!

Kris: Join in, Beth. {singing} "Summpin the sloop John B..."

Beth and Kris: {singing} "See how the mainsail sets..."

Kris: {over Beth} "la la la la la"

Beth: {over Kris} "Send for the captain ashore..."

Beth and Kris: "I wanna go home"

Beth: No we don't.

Beth and Kris: {singing} "I wanna go home...I wanna go home...I feel so breakup/brokeup...I wanna go home."

Kris: Alright. So sorry. It was a Hungary flashback, but it just had to be done.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: Ching!

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, The Search for the Ice Machine (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Kris: Beth had a critical question. Why is it that we're drunk on one beer and one third? And...that's when we realized we haven't eaten anything since seven...which just...

Beth: [in background} Which is pretty much what we do every day.

Kris: ...which was twelve hours ago. Which, in Europe considering that we consis...SUBsisted on one meal a day...

Beth: {in background} In street food. We have no street food here.

Beth: {moving to foreground} We can't eat the street food! No! It's dangerous. We're gonna die. So we don't eat the street food. It's dog! It's...

Kris: We...We don't walk around on the street. That's why we don't see any street food. In Europe you walked around on the streets, but here the streets are crowded and they don't run in normal directions so it's really hard to keep track of where you are. Oooo! {stage whisper} Heading for the ice machine.

Beth: {whisper} People! People! Shhhhhhh!

Kris: We're avoiding people by the elevator. Eh! Here we go...

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, The hotel is out to get Beth (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: That was a "step up". Clearly not marked.

Kris: Um...Beth...with the ever famous Jerry Seinfeld 'Trip. And then look down to see what tripped you.' Like...

Beth: Teakwood!

Kris: Like it would make any difference. I don't know how that schtick goes, but...you get the idea.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Swimming Pool (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Kris: Here we are at the swimming pool which is on the third floor of the Royal River Hotel. Beth what do you...

Beth: No Chlorine.

Kris: What?! No way!

Beth: No Chlorine.

Kris: It could be less, because they're kinda hyper-chlorinated in the U.S.

{splashing and faint music}

Kris: You know? How deep is it? Can you tell how deep it is, Beth? How deep is the pool?

Beth: It's ahununya freohnoe.

Kris: How deep is your love?

Kris: Oh, wait! I see a sign! It's a hundred and seventy centimeters.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: And me being five foot nine...and two...two yards is six feet...and two meters is less than six feet...Alright! I'm guessin' it's close to my height. It's about, uhhhhh, is that six feet? Maybe a hundred seventy centimeters?

Beth: It's...ah...one point seven meters.

Kris: And I'm not quite two yards. So I'm definitely not two centimeters. So I'm guessin' six feet.

Beth: I think it's five seven. Um. Here's...Here's the more important thing. When we went to the pool outside the hotel there was a sign that said "leave your shoes here." Which brings up a weird and interesting point which is, Who swims in the pool with their shoes on? Number two:

Beth and Kris {laugh}

Beth: Every place we've gone you have to basically take off your shoes. And we go...and then we have to take off our shoes...and then we come back and we realize we've polished the floors of whatever place we've just been at.

Kris: You know, Beth? I wanna swim in Thailand before we go. I can! I brought my suit! If I brought my suit around the world I think it's only right that I use it.

Beth: {in background, interjecting} Tomorrow night! Tomorrow night! Tomorrow night!

Beth: Tomorrow night! Tomorrow night!

Kris: Tomorrow morning? We don't have to be anywhere 'til two. We could eat breakfast and swim.

Beth: Great!

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Later - Still at the Pool (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Kris: Here's Beth.

Beth: I still can't get over the fact that this isn't actually sucking as we're doing it.

Kris: A vacation cuz, like, again back to the European "this sucks" theme...

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, More from the Pool (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: {in background} {garbled}

Kris: It's seven...seven eighteen at night. Beth and I are in Bangkok, Thailand. We're at the Royal River Hotel. And we are lounging by the pool. That's, ah, that's the scene. And now Beth is going to give you some of her observations.

Beth: {in background} No we're not.

Kris: Oh, here comes some staff so we're gonna turn off the recorder.

Kris: You know what? They're not staff. They're tourists because I just saw 'em upstairs taking pictures and thought, "How weird that...that staff is taking pictures." But now they're in the pool taking pictures. So since we know that they're fellow guests, Beth is now going to give you some observations.

Beth: Hi. Um. We really shouldn't be talkin' into a tape recorder with other people around. They think it's not right. Um. They're very well dressed. They're not at all like us. In other words.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

{girls talking faintly in background}

Beth: And, uh, I think I got Kris convinced that if we don't drive down to the sex tourist area that we'll feel like we missed something. So! Five hundred baht out the window to take a cab-xi down there, find out it sucks, and then come back. That's basically our speed. Okay!

Kris: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...Roger! Over and out.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Who Vacations in Bangkok? (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Kris: Beth has an interesting question. The other guests that we see in the area are clearly Asian. Uh, and since they're speaking a foreign language, I'm going to guess that they're not Japanese-Americans. She's wondering: Is this trip the equivalent of them going to Florida? Or is more like them going to Mexico? It's another county, but it's not all that different.

Beth: {in background} Guatemala, or...

Kris: Or...or, you know, Koo-baa or Guatemala, or, you know, so how far did they come and how different is it really?

{girls talking faintly in background}

Kris: Next {garbled}, different language. Different language, different country. A lot of the Canadians go to Florida. Like the, uh, Quebec. A lot of those French Canadians go down to Florida. There were a million of 'em. {laughs} In fact, Debbie Morgan and I have some very fond memories of particular French vacation {garbled} and his name was Mee-shell.

Beth: {in background} {laughs}

Kris: And if we ever run into Debbie Morgan again we'll perhaps talk about him. I believe that vacation there was Mee-shell, the French Canadian, and....ooo! There was, um, the Finnish guy whose name escapes me, but ah, met several nice men down there.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Pool Observation (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Kris: It's really nice after Europe to have a non-stressful foreign vacation.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Singing Below the Pool (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

{faint singing in background}

Kris: We are attempting now to pick up the singing of the Thai woman directly below us. We're at the pool on the third floor of the Rainy River Hotel trying to listen to somebody in a Thai house down below us.

{slightly louder singing}

Kris: Didya hear it? Didya hear it?

Royal River Hotel Bangkok,Game Room (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: So...Kris and I in our air of sophistication have now decided to play chess. {laughs} Okay! Kris has just slid two of my pieces off their spot. I don't know if that counts as a move. Are they?

{banging in background}

Kris: {in background} Don't they feel weird?

Beth: Do they feel magnetic? Look. It's hollow...a little cheap plastic...they're not magnetic. {laughs}

Beth: Okay! Let's see how long this chess game can go! We're just gonna leave you on here?

Kris: {in background} Mine are. Yours aren't.

{lots more banging in background}

Beth: That's because the pieces have fallen out on mine.

{lots more banging in background}

Kris: {laughs in background}

Beth: Alright! Kris is drunk.

Kris: {in background} I am not. But it was...it was fun...

Beth: Yes you are. So am I.

Kris: ...tipping the chess people off the board. Beth, replacing a pawn, just nails her bishop.

Beth: Okay! Now we're gonna play chess. I get to go first. Let's see. Pawn...something, something. Okay. Kris?

Kris: Oh, gosh. I'm going to come out right away with a knight. Cuz I can.

Beth: You know what I'd hate to see? I'd hate to see me leave myself really vulnerable, so I'll move this one right in front of the queen now.

Kris: And I'm gonna move my knight right directly in front of her, er, next to her pawn. So they're next to.

Beth: And I would never do anything as stupid as to put my king in a checkmate.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: You can't move into check. You have to take that move back.

Beth: {laughs} Damn! Alright. I think my queen has a really good shot of winning.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: Ah.

Beth: Oh!

Kris: Knight takes queen.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: Damn!

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: I thought I had a foolproof strategy. Wait! Wait! What is this thing called?

Kris: Bishop.

Beth: Bishop takes horse. The game now lasts eight hours longer.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: This vacation...doesn't suck.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: Okay. Now I'm going into the crucial pawn versus pawn. I hope I didn't make a critical error there.

Kris: {draws breath} Pawn takes pawn.

Beth: Oh! Damn! Critical Err! Critical Err!

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: And...I think I'll top that by showing her what the queen can do.

Kris: You can't move a bishop that way! They one move diagonally.

Beth: Oh, I already lost my queen. Sorry! Um...okay...well I guess I have to something logical then. I'm gonna move my pawn up one and I'll show this p...pawn how ta take over a pawn.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: Pawn takes pawn.

Beth: Damn! Okay. I'm going to...um...oh, this is a critical move here {laughs}. I can still win the game. I think what I'm gonna do is...move my bishop in front of my king. To protect it from your pawn!

Kris: Pawn takes bishop. Beth, you're playing sacrificial chess.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: I am not.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: [in background} I'm trying to...

Kris: Hey! If my pawn is about...well, my pawn has to only go forward but it's about to be able to take a piece back. As soon as your king moves. But I, I don't have a queen to get back. Weird.

Beth: Okay. So what does this mean? Okay. Now I'm taking...my, my bishop's going crazy! He's just gonna run the board!

Kris: {imitating bugle} Duh duh dah!!! Beth! You're being sacrificial again.

Beth: I am not. It's all part of my strategy...to end this game as soon as possible.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: Ah...shoo! The king escapes with one giant move next to the pawn. Wooo.

Kris: I'd like my knight back, please.

Beth: Okay.

Kris: I think he goes back where the pawn was.

Beth: Okay.

Kris. I...I don't play enough chess to really know that.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: But I'm pretty sure how that works. Oh! Wait! So now it's your turn!

Beth: Okay.

Kris: You can take the knight back.

Beth: But that implies that I want the game to last longer!

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: What I wanna do is have the king traipse over into really dangerous territory.

Kris: In case we haven't been perfectly clear, we are in the games room on the fourth floor of the Royal River Hotel in Bangkok and we are playing chess.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: Next move. Oh! We're gonna run out of tape. Do we really want the whole chess game?

Beth: Cummon quick! Make your move!

Kris: Just...

Beth: Make your move!

Kris: We'll check in later and tell you how the game ended...

Beth: {shouting over Kris} No! No! Make your move.

Kris: Okay. Choooooo! Oh! Sorry!

Beth: Okay.

Kris: D'oh!

Beth: Ohhhhh.

Kris: No! No! Get him with you pawn.

Beth: What?!

Kris: It's a bloody battle! Your pawn can take him!

Beth: You want the game to last longer! You...

Kris: No! No! We're gonna just obliterate each other's pieces.

Beth: No! But you can take my king!

Kris: What?!

{pause}

Kris: Oh! Okay! Can I get him in checkmate, tho? Check!

Beth: Oh! Move one of the other pawns up here.

Kris: No! Go over there. We'll get him in a corner.

Beth: Now what?

Kris: No. I can't. You have to go here.

Beth: Oh. Okay.

Kris: And now you have to go there.

Beth: So what happens?

Kris: Go there.

{chess pieces thunk on the board}

Kris: Check.

{thunk}

Beth: See!

{thunk thunk}

Kris: Um. You can't go there. And you can't go there. Ah, you have to go...And you can stay there. Shit. I'll move some other guys up. Okay.

Beth. Okay! Here comes the queen! Queen! Move the queen in!

Kris: No. You have to move some other piece. It's your turn.

Beth: Okay. Move the queen up. Okay.

Kris: Great.

Beth: I moved a pawn.

Kris: Queen. Check. You can take...oooooo...you can take him. Yer in...check...

Beth: No. I'm in checkmate!

Kris: No. Yes! Checkmate!

Beth: Checkmate!

Kris: You weren't supposed to let me win. I feel cheesy, but KRIS WINS THE CHESS GAME! Woo hoo!

Beth: {laughs}

Kris: Beth successfully threw it in a few mosdlj...few moves as possible.

Beth: Woooo!

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Royal River Hotel Bangkok,Game Room - Later (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: {signing} One night in Bangkok makes a hard man nannaaa...Um. That song is about chess. I just think it's ironic that we're playing chess in Bangkok.

Kris: Beth and I have been friends for a really long time, and never in our seventeen possibly eighteen year friendship have we ever played chess. Ever.

Beth: Game...

Kris: It's a first.

Beth: Game over.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Le Celeste French Restaurant (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: I said, uh, as Kris help up the French menu, cuz now we are on the tenth floor of the hotel in Le Celesteaaaahhhleh.

Kris: Lay Sell-Este.

Beth: And looking at the menu...

Kris: Oooo la la

Beth: ...And one of the things says "migon tay-poor ah doohw swasses" And the English description...

Kris: {garbled} ahn doohw sauces...

Beth: And the description says "two small fillets saute in mustard and estrogen sauce."

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: Mmmmm. Love that estrogen.

Beth: And then I said, "I have to take a picture of this." And I help up the tape recorder and I went, "I can't take a picture with this." So, I decided I can.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, 10th Floor Hallway (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: No running!

{weird jangling noises}

Kris: We're at room ten fifty-five. Oo! It's a pitch...you can't see anything out the window.

Beth: It's a beautiful view of...the wood in front of the window?

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: That's a tree!

Beth: There...there's no tree growing on the tenth floor!

Kris: {garbled}

Beth: It's bushes they've got on this balcony right here. Kris. There's a balcony out from two feet.

Kris: Right. And it's got a big plant in a big pot.

Beth: And a beautiful view of...nothing. Okay! I think Kris and I have a better view than this place has. On the tenth floor. Anything else to add?

Kris: We'll have to ask Carl what is his view of. Alright. Later!

Beth: We're running.

{more weird jangling noises. laughing. clunking.}

Kris: {muffled in background} We're six.

Beth: Shhhhhh. We're getting back to the French restaurant. Now we're jogging. Okay. Shhh shhhh shhhhh shhh shhh. I'm gonna turn it off now, okay?

Kris: Yup.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Elevator down from 10th Floor (December 8th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: Kris was just asking why the guy, the Thai guy from the French restaurant on the tenth floor, came out and watched us. Because we were running down the hallway making noises, and I said, "Because the food's really gross and noone's eating in there and we were the only interesting thing going on on that floor." Agree?

Kris: Mmmmaahhhmmmm-mmaybe...

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 (December 9th, Morning) (Go To Top)

Beth: We're off to the Grand Palace. And we're going to wear pants. And we're going to bring you.

Kris: Uhhhh...alright...That's all.

Beth: Kris has, um, Montezuma. Montezuma's...what was that called? Barbeque!

The Grand Palace (December 9th) (Go To Top)

{crackling and humming. obviously outdoors somewhere}

{silence}

{murmur of distant people talking}

Kris: We polished the floors.

Beth: {laughs}

Kris: My feet were filthy after going through Jim Thompson's house yesterday.

{louder murmur of less-distant people talking}

Kris and Beth: {laugh}

Kris: Oh! I could have run out with your hundred baht to pay that. I forgot we had to pay.

Our Sneaky Thai Grand Palace Tourguide: {in heavily accented English} This is the postcard of the Emerald Budha. Mmmm-hmmm. The first of the holy Budha of Buddhist Thailand. That's very old Budha. And now by the king he come in he dresses by the gold garment for Budha for the season. He dress for winter season, rainy season day, and hot season.

Beth: Huh.

Our Sneaky Thai Grand Palace Tourguide: And now he dress for winter. When in July, ah, when in April he dress for summer. When in July he dress for rainy season.

Maureen: {in British accented English - is that possible?} Just three seasons?

Our Sneaky Thai Grand Palace Tourguide: Just three season in Thailand. So believe this Budha is very very holy Budha for the Thailand and Siamese country. When the Budha is there in that country that country is also the civilization center of Buddhism. He stayed too many country. All of the front of the Siamese of Indochina country. He stay from blah blah, blah blah, Chiang Mai, blah blah, and blah blah, and blah blah blah, and moved back to Bangkok here. About two hundred twenty years. In the temple. So Thai people, when they saw the Emerald Budha, they are very very happy for their life. Yah. So you can see the Budha up from the top of the throne. Yah. So you can take a look inside there. Inside no for the crowd no, ahhhhh, video.

Beth: Okay. Okay.

Carl: No video?

Our Sneaky Thai Grand Palace Tourguide: Yah. No video. No flash. Yah.

Carl: I've got my shoes off and no video?

Beth: {laughs}

Kris: No flash?

Our Sneaky Thai Grand Palace Tourguide: Ah, no flash.

Kris: Oh. No picture of the Emerald Budha.

Beth: Sisi is Elizabeth.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: {garbled} ...no. Are we running out of tape? On this side?

Beth: Maybe!

Kris: Alright.

Vimanmek Mansion "The World's Largest Golden Teakwood Mansion" (December 9th) (Go To Top)

After being waylaid by our Sneaky Thai Grand Palace Tourguide to yet another Jewel Factory

Carl: This is what again?

Beth: The teakwood palace. The teakwood palace. {laughs}

Kris: Let's see...

Beth: And there's no way we're not going to touch a monk in here.

Carl: Hello, ma!

Beth: {laughs}

Just outside of "The World's Largest Golden Teakwood Mansion" (December 9th) (Go To Top)

Beth: What did you think of the teakwood museum?

Kris: Eeeeeeew. Let's see. Um. Our new analogy is "governor's mansion". What do you say?

Beth: We didn't have to see it. That's what I say.

END OF SIDE ONE.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 Balcony (December 9th, Evening) (Go To Top)

{loud mechanical humming}

Beth: Okay. We've...We got a tragedy. We're sittin'...sittin' on our fifth floor Thai Royal River Hotel river-facing-view...balcony which will be gone after tomorrow. And...I quite frankly, am not looking forward to going back to my viewless room of Thirty-fifth Avenue. Um, but anyway, we went shh...shopping in the, ah, red light district tonight. And we went to the supermarket. And Kris went to go buy some potato chips and, of course everything's in Thai, and now that we're back here and she's gonna open up her delicious bag of potato chips they have flames...flamey-flavored insignia all over them. So, we'll get back to you more on that in a minute. Kris?

Kris: Hi. I'm tired. I'm drinking strawberry Fanta. And I think I bought potato chips in Thailand that have a fiery-hot symbol on 'em. So if they're fiery hot for Thai's, uh, what does that mean for me? Later.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Later in Room 504 (December 9th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: Well, Kris and I just ate in the Jolly Roger downstairs in the Royal River Hotel. Which is a very disturbing place because every time we've ever walked by it there's never ever ever been anyone in it. But we decided to eat there because we wanted to eat some food tonight. Which is sort of unlike every other night around here. And, uh, I've decided that I'm the kind of person that doesn't like eighteen to one staff to customer ratios. {laughs} "Hi!" I'm just a little too disturbed by that ratio. Ah...Kris? Do you have anything else to add?

Kris: Of course I do! I would just like to, ah, discuss our {dacquirie - sp} exp...no! Grasshopper experience. We ordered a grasshopper. It was supposed to be a hundred twenty baht, 4 bucks, okay whatever. Then it turns out that it was actually two hundred and twenty. Which we debated about until we realized that a drink and a meal would still cost less than ten dollars. So we ordered the grasshopper and it came in the teeny tiny itty bitty little smallest glass I have ever seen a drink come in in my entire life.

Beth: {in background} {garbled}

Kris: Beth says she doesn't know how she didn't laugh. Cuz the lady walked, er, the GUY walked over and set them down and Beth...I looked at Beth and she looked at me and we looked at the little tiny glasses and she looked at me and I looked at her. We looked at the little tiny glasses and the waiter walked away. And we both just started shaking with laughter cuz it was the tiniest drink we'd ever seen.

Beth: Back to eighteen to one staff ratios. That's really disturbing. We had, like, eight waitresses, two bartenders, two door-opening chicks, and the house band playing for me and Kris beautiful romantic American tunes. {laughs} Um. Perhaps that is why our grasshopper, our half-an-ounce grasshopper, was so expensive.

Kris: {in background} Yup!

Some Upscale Hotel, Parking Lot (December 10th, Morning) (Go To Top)

Beth: Drat we missed him, ah, talkin' on the phone?

Kris: Yeah. We were gonna take out the recorder and record the guide trying to figure out where our Rose Garden is supposed to be.

Beth: Okay. Now look. {laughs} Ready?

{silence}

{camera sounds}

Beth: And, ah, we still going?

Kris: Yeah.

Beth: Ah, I think we're not goin' on the Rose Garden tour. What do you think, Kris? Either that or this guy's cartin' our ass around all morning.

Kris: Our cars are getting progressively smaller. First we had a gigantic bus for four people. Like a mega-bus. Then we had a mega-bus for, what? Seven people? One...two...four...

Beth: This guy is totally staring at us. Look at him.

Kris: Oh.

Beth: {laughs}

Kris: They're talking into the recorder. Now we're in a little tiny car and my prediction is that tomorrow Rosalyn will show up to take us to the airport in a tuk tuk.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: And we're becoming more and more male cuz they're refusing to acknowledge that we're women even after it's clear that {garbled} women.

On the way to the Rose Garden, Last one on the bus sings (December 10th) (Go To Top)

{amplified singing. in german}

[laughing and clapping}

Kris:...way with B.O.L.O.G.N.A.

Beth: I hope Kris isn't late for the bus!

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: I think it's a cheerful little ditty and you're mean.

Beth: Kris and I have enough time on our...barf-infested bus...

Kris: {laughs}

Beth: ...to play "What if we did something completely insane?"

Kris: I would just like to announce that, before Beth announced that this was a barf-infested bus tour, she looked around to see if anyone could hear.

Beth: I really hate barf-infesters.

Kris: Don't you?

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Kris: {lauging} Infestors! {singing to the tune of "inspector gaget" theme} Dooo doo doo doo doo doo Barf Infestors doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Hey! What do you say we transcribe this, post it on the web, and Carl can read it? "Hi, Carl! If you're reading this, 'Hi.'"

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Back on the Bus After Tourist Trap Shopping, "What if we were insane?" (December 10th) (Go To Top)

Beth: So. The "what if we were insane" scenario that I pulled out the tape recorder for in the first place was, what if we bought that giiiiiant piece of wood that that woman was sitting on that we took a picture of that obviously weighs, what? Sixty, seventy pounds minimum? Hundreds?

Kris: Oh, my god, Beth! That probably weighs three hundred pounds!

Beth: Okay. Three hundred pounds, alright? Three hundred pound chunk of carved wood. What if we buy it? And then, like, how do we get it home? And then we played "what if we were insane" and we were, like, carried it out to the bus and clunked people in the heads with it and made {garbled}. That was...that was kinda fun. But it's not very funny now. But it WAS. Really Really. We...We'll get back to you when we play our next "what if we were insane" game.

Kris: {laughs}

Rose Garden Bus Still, "What if we were insane?" Part Two (December 10th) (Go To Top)

Beth: So. Kris and I thought of another one. We're, fifteen miles away from the hotel, kilometers! And, the, Kris has used up all her baht with the understanding that I would use the remaining, my baht, to get us back to the hotel. And then I get to the cab, and we hail it, and I get in and I say, "Kris! Don't you have any money?" And she says, "Well, I thought you were gonna help me out." And I'd say, snort! "Find your own fucking way back to the hotel." And then I'd just drive off and leave her there. So, "what if your companion was insane" game.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

More Rose Garden Bus Thoughts (December 10th) (Go To Top)

Kris: Alright. We know why Saturn is eating the baby. But now what I want to know is what does a "Q8" gas station stand for? "Q8" It looks like it has an iron being pulled away from a burned iron-shaped spot on a shirt. So it's an iron superimposed over an iron for their logo. "Q8" Don't get it...

Beth: {singing} We get to go on another buuu-uuus. After the Ro-o-ose Garden. Maybe there'll be some fun people. From own cheap hotel.

Kris: I'm afraid that we're going to get {garbled} Joey.

On the bus to the Rose Garden (December 10th) (Go To Top)

Beth: Now with hindsight. Three things you don't need to take with you to Thailand. In December. One: my purple rain jacket. Two: another pair of tennis shoes. And three: my contact lenses. Kris? Anything in your case?

Kris: No. I have to think about that one. Get back to you later.

Beth: I think that I really didn't need my polar fleece or sweat pants in Thailand either, but they sure are nice on the plane. {laughs} Agreed?

Kris: Oh. The very thought of those sweat pants just makes my skin crawl.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

At the Rose Garden (December 10th) (Go To Top)

Beth: {in Jerry Seinfeld's mother's voice} "Well! What do you do?" {normal Beth voice} "I'm a tennant organizer." {Jerry's mom} "A what?" {Beth} "A tennant organizer." {Jerry's mom} "What does that do?"

Kris: {in Jerry Seinfeld's mother's voice} "What do you organize?"

Beth: {Jerry's mom} "What do you organize?" {Beth} "I organize renters to fight their landlords." {Jerry's mom} "Oh! You're a radical!" {Beth} "Not really." {Jerry's mom}"What do you do?"

Kris: {as Harold Chasen} "I sell shoes for a major department store."

Beth: {Jerry's mom} "Which one?"

Kris: "Dayton's"

Beth: {Jerry's mom} "I'm familiar with them!"

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

The Rose Garden Thai Cultural Show (December 10th) (Go To Top)

{loud music in background}

Kris: {laughing} No! I can't say it. You have to!

Beth: Kris kinda said this wrong in the tape recorder. Enjoy the background music, by the way. Um...what the...Oh! It's "Say You, Say Me" in case Kris is trying to...

Kris: No! It's not. Not anymore.

Kris: {singing over Beth} Where we both could live...

Beth: {singing over Kris} This one's for you...the Elton John song.

Kris: Yeah. {singing} This one's for you, Ben...

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: Yeah. Yeah. So, you'll be able to figure it out.

Kris: {singing} This is my song...sumpin' somethin'...

Beth: Princess Di...No. That's a different one. That's "Daniel". Um...

Kris: {singing} Yellow brick road...

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

Beth: So, anyway, Kris didn't just say it with the...when she said she sold shoes to...this vacation's champ...Mrs. Seinfeld?! When she said that statement to Mrs. Seinfeld, she said it with the "I Sell Shoes"...what is it?

Kris: The "I love shoes" fervor. {laugh} Er, the fervor of "I Love Shoes".

Beth: {laughing} Right...So! I! She! I! We're! Well, she said it the woman didn't question for a second that, yes indeed, she did sell shoes for a major department store.

{pause}

Beth: Raucous Fervor.

Beth: By the way. The only reason this fanny pack was worth bringing is because I have brought a voice recorder to record ourselves, a camera to take pictures of ourselves, and a journal to write about ourselves! What does this say about my use of mixed media?

Kris: Self Obsession!

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

{long silent pause - dead tape}

{loud Thai music}

Kris: Ooo! {garbled - drowned out by the loud music}

Beth: Don't record too much of this!

Kris: No! Later! Not right now! Must go see elephants! 'Fraid bad seat! Must leave!

Beth: There are...there is no elephant show.

Kris: I think there is. Put the recorder away. Let's go go g...

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 Balcony (December 10th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: Kris! Set us up!

Kris: We're gonna eat the Lay's potato chips that I grabbed by accident. And they're the icky fiery hot flavor. Ewwwhhhhhh. I hate flavored potato chips.

Beth: Ready? Three...Two...{clunking sound}...One...

{chip crunches}

Kris: They're barbeque.

Beth: Yeah, but weak barbeque.

Kris: Better than hot.

Beth: Ketchup on barbeque. Anything else?

Kris: No.

Royal River Hotel Bangkok, Room 504 For the Last Time (December 10th, Evening) (Go To Top)

Beth: MTV in Bangkok is all for India. And India videos...rrrrROCK. Right, Kris?

Kris: You're a dork.

Beth and Kris: {laugh}

The Flight Home (December 11th) (Go To Top)

Beth: There's no Bailey's in the back of the plane. But there's a drunk...{tape noise}

Minneapolis International Airport - Customs Area (December 11th) (Go To Top)

{man talking - very muffled}

Kris: That was James Brown. That half second - whatever that was. What a way to end a long flight.

Minneapolis International Airport - Domestic Flight Baggage Claim Area (December 11th) (Go To Top)

Kris: ...off. Turn it off. Trip Over.

THE END


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